Noah's Ark

Red Tape

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Working Dogs

Four Men and Their Dogs

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Raw

It's said that what we don't understand, we fear. This is something I find to be true almost everyday, in one way or another, and surprisingly not just with me. But all I can account for here is ME so that is what I'm gonna talk about. ME.

I have serious self-esteem issues; always have, probably always will. I take way too much personally, even when the rational side of me says it isn't likely. I get upset, angry and emotional over the smallest of gestures or remarks, in both my personal and work environments. This has shown more times than I care to admit here in blogland. It has affected every friendship, every relationship and nearly every job I've ever had. I don't argue very well under pressure, (but can write a kick-ass debate on any issue if given the time to construct it) and I dislike confrontation, contrary to my outwardly "in your face" attitude. I'm a wuss with a big bark.

This week, I let my guard down, and in doing so, allowed myself to feel pain I didn't want to feel. EVER AGAIN. The hurt was so intense, it immobilized me for the better part of two days, both physically and emotionally. I managed to partially bounce back without the use of drugs or alcohol, even though it crossed my mind to numb the pain. I feared I would fall back into a deep depression, and worried about how I would manage to survive this blow to my aching heart.

Most of you know little of my boys or how we came to be so estranged. It's a long painful story, one that took a turn for the worst in 2001 with false accusations, followed the next year by an emergency court order against me, that I was helpless to fight. It was an evil thing to do and was done so with malice against me to get what my ex-husband and his wife wanted: Me out of their lives, and more importantly Me out of the lives of my boys. What they did, was crush my life. I was already on shaky ground emotionally, and that blow nearly ended my life. In some ways, it ended a part of my life that I will never get back.

I was fighting my way back up to being the best employee I could be at work....a nice government job with good pay and good benefits. Things were finally going well after years of trouble and bad decisions. I was finally becoming the parent I wanted to be and stopped being the doormat for people who would never treat me as well as I treated them. I was taking all my medications and improving my health, as well as seeing two therapists and a wonderful primary care doctor, all of whom worked together in my well-being. I was on top of the world for a few wonderful months. After my stay in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts, I was getting the help I needed and more importantly, I was helping myself in ways I never thought I could. I felt I was doing the right things and making good decisions, consistently.

Then came the news that I would not be allowed to visit or even talk to my boys, but no one would/could tell me why. I was confused and shocked and the more I dug into the matter, the worse information I was given. I was angry at the world and decided if I was going to be labeled a bad person without doing the crime, I might as well stop being the goody two shoes and let my hair down. This only furthered my downward spiral and in the end, cost me my health, which cost me my job and almost every friend I had. I was alone and broke. I remember being unable to return to work, and not having enough money to feed Lil' Miss, so we ate LOTS of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and became very reclusive, embarrassed and even more depressed.

And the whole time I was suffering in silence, alone and withdrawn, I was unable to talk to the two guys who I know would have made me feel better.....my boys. Well actually we were at that time talking on the phone each weekend, but with the knowledge that every word was being recorded, we were all cautious as to what we said. They were afraid to say anything to me, for fear of repercussions, since they didn't understand really what had been alleged to take them away from me. I was warned not to say anything negative and told I couldn't discuss the case with them (unless they brought it up first and then only to answer their questions which now of course they were afraid to do), even though that was exactly what needed to be done to clear up the mess. My friends all deserted me. Every single one of them. Even my family had distanced themselves from me.

But somehow, thru all the hurt and anger I managed to pull myself together enough to get back to some semblance of living. I have in many ways, calloused over my true feelings, in an effort to protect myself from greater pain. I play nice, but trust no one, especially when it comes to my boys.

Why I let myself get so excited when I heard they were going to come here this week, is not totally understood by me, although I have a few ideas. I completely let myself be swept up in the idea that I would finally be able to show them I was ok, and I WAS OK. But the phone call I received saying that they would NOT be here, just crippled me. I didn't understand why or how this could happen, and suddenly the fear from years of feeling inadequate in everyone's eyes hit me like a ton of bricks. Had they actually done this to once again hurt me, as others would have me believe? God, I didn't think so, but it felt like a re-run of the past. My fears ate away at me and I just stopped functioning. I've been a zombie for two days and the body pains became so intense I wanted to die today to make it stop and go away.

Then this afternoon, I received another phone call. Once again, it was Wanda. Play nice, see what she wants and don't let her see how hurt you are feeling, I thought to myself. She had called to apologize. She thought about how it must have seemed to me and knew it must be killing me, and she kept saying, that was just wrong. Suzette, that was just wrong, she said over and over. Then she said something that I've waited so very long to hear. Would you like to have the boys this summer? Without hesitation, I said YES, but inside I felt this was another game to hurt me. We talked it over and she said she felt it was time the boys and I had time together, alone. She tried to explain that their only concern ever was for the boys' safety (ie: don't leave them alone) which I totally understood. I still feel if that was all they were concerned with, there was better ways to assure it, rather than filing false allegations against me, but for the time being, I'm going to let that be water under the bridge. My boys will one day know the truth of the allegations against me, and one day they will be able to decide if it was warranted, but not now. Not unless they bring it up.

I'm praying...yes, people, I'm praying, that this isn't going to be another let down in the end, so I am keeping my guard up this time. But with any luck, the boys will be here VERY VERY SOON! And the thought of it makes me cry tears of joy.

Heartache Update

I received a phone call about an hour ago from my boys' stepmom. I was at Lil' Miss' school delivering lunch to her so I didn't to get to actually talk to their stepmom. So I listened to the voicemail, hoping they would be here tonight, rather than tomorrow night, which was a definate possibility. I was not prepared to hear this:

"Hi, Suzette. It's Wanda. I was just calling to let you know that we won't be coming there this week, because we just found out that it's only a preliminary hearing and not the trial and we won't even be able to get in for that......"

After that I stopped hearing what she had said and was just numb. I don't know what to say or what to do. It's not like this was malicious or intentional, but it hurts like hell, just the same.

Lil' Miss.......

How am I going to explain this to her when I don't even know how to cope with the pain? I've got 3 1/2 hours before she comes home, expecting her brothers to soon arrive, and instead I'll have to tell her that they're not coming.

I think I'm going to go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

My Achy Breaky Heart

As I sit here trying to wind down from a very busy afternoon, I'm resisting the urge to beat the living snot out of one very cute little kitty who is currently tearing thru my bathroom and heading for my bedroom. Little turkey turd. Seriously, this guy is full of nothing but energy and the desire to conquer my house and belongings. I could devote an entire blog to what he does each day. Needless to say, Cameron keeps me on my toes. But in spite of his evil little ways, I love the booger and will try to stay positive that this is just an overactive kitten phase he's going thru.

But onto MUCH BIGGER NEWS:

I'm going to get to see my boys this week!!!

I'm so flipping excited, I don't know how I'm ever gonna fall asleep tonight. I'm thrilled! I'm nervous. I'm happy! I'm worried. And my arms ache to hold and hug them tight. I want everything to be perfect, but can only do so much to prepare for their arrival.

This will be the first time in almost 4 years that my sons have been to my house and only the second time I've seen them in that 3 years 7 months. And while I'm not sure if they will be allowed to stay overnight while in town, I am expecting to spend each day with them. ALONE and unsupervised! My heart is racing and I want to cry. But I can't; I've got too much to do yet.

Do they really trust me to be alone with them, or is this just more convienent for them while they are busy with "other" matters? Will I screw up and say or do something to set us back farther, or will they finally see that I'm not the monster they've made me out to be? I dunno, but right now, I'm just keeping my head up and my thoughts positive that this will be a great week!

I expect to have LOTS of pictures to share by next weekend. Wish me luck!

A Gift

Next week Lil' Miss will end her second year of formal schooling and I'm amazed by the leaps and bounds with which she has grown this year.

I spent 30 minutes on the phone with her teacher on Friday afternoon, and felt great sadness that this wonderful woman will not be her teacher FOREVER! She took the time this year to not only get to know my little girl, but love her deeply as well. It shows in her attention to the little things. She sees thru the wild child and recognizes her abilities, encouraging Lil' Miss to expand her thinking even further. And the words she spoke to me last week, were the sweetest and warmest I've ever had anyone not related to Lil' Miss express.

To be honest, I've often wondered if anyone else saw her for the special gift she is, and believed in her as much as I do. Being her mom makes me biased, obviously. But this woman sees Lil' Miss as more than her student and that really makes me proud. She told me she would be surprised if Lil' Miss wasn't tested AND recognized as a gifted student next year. She said her thinking is so far out of the box at times, that it leaves the others students baffled, and her teachers amazed.

She said she is reading at a level two years beyond her current grade. A 3.7 to be exact. (Third year, seventh month) This is so absolutely incredible, considering that when she was tested just 12 months ago, she was in the 48 percentile of students her grade and age. Barely able to read. And only 8 short months ago, she was reading at a 1.4 level!!!

I see changes in her, too, well beyond any acedemics test. Socially, emotionally, and often spiritually. Yes, I'm biased. But I know I'm not alone.