Divorce-sary?

Does anyone else celebrate the "anniversary" of their divorce? Or am I just really twisted?

Today is the 8th anniversary of my divorce. I remember that day, like it happened in last night's dream. LOL! It was a bittersweet day, and like everything else in my life, didn't go like I thought it would.

I had only been in REAL court once before, and I was only 12 or 13 at the time. I had to testify against this asshole gang member who had broken into our apartment with the help of a "friend" of ours, and stole our tv. We didn't have much in the way of valuables, but that little tv was the best tv I have ever had. I was scared that morning in court but never thought about NOT testifying. In later years, when I would be back in the "hood", and once when I ran into the asshole gang member, I remember being terrified and wondered if he'd remember it was me who had put him away. Luckily he didn't and I stayed away from that area of San Jose from then on.

So anyhow, Tracie took off work to go with me to court for my divorce. Damon was supposed to go, but had gotten transferred to Arkansas just 2 weeks earlier. It was kinda weird and went very fast, and when I walked out of the courthouse, I was like, "That's it? I'm free?! Well, shit howdy, let's party!" Well, actually I did say that, but it was more to mask the emptiness I felt in knowing I couldn't go back and it was all official now. I felt like a failure. And I was angry with Damon for not trying to work it out.

At that particular time, when I still had physical custody of the boys, Damon and I were still on pretty good speaking terms. We had even planned a special 2-person party. We had by chance gotten married on Dee and Pete's 20th wedding anniversary and they had been given this bottle of champagne as a gift. They in turn passed it onto us, to save until OUR 20th anniversary. When we were going thru the whole "dividing up the crap" we were up in arms about what to do with it, not wanting to throw it out or give it away. So we decided that on the day of our divorce, we would get drunk and toast each other for all we had given each other and all we were losing.

Well he DID move away, with Wanda and the boys following a few months later, which was the first time I'd seen him since before the divorce. Obviously not a good time to get together, so it was just set aside, for another time. That bottle has sentimental value, which is really stupid, but I can't see drinking it with anyone else, and haven't given it away. I hope that with time, he and I will again become friends, enough to NOT want to kill each other, and maybe when the boys get married or graduate college or whatever, we can celebrate then. Who the hell knows?

So, anyhow, I don't totally HATE my ex, but there are times I DO. My ex was my "first" and he taught me much about life. He gave me two great boys, and some pretty good years. But he lied to me for most of our marriage, and that, unfortunately was a big part of our undoing. Something I still am bothered by, but don't bother to waste my time on fretting over.

Instead, I celebrate.
A life of freedom to grow.
A world of open thoughts withOUT being narrow minded.
A chance to find someone who will love me for me, without restrictions.
And I celebrate that he got "his." (Sorry, can't elaborate on that, but it is the best punch line to ANY divorce!)

Here's to another year without him!!!

BTW....is there another term other than anniversary, to describe a divorce anniversary?
Divorce-sary?

Children's Books That Never Made It

Thank to Dale for sharing these.

My Thoughts About My Life

This is not going to be an easy post. To write or to read, but it's been on my mind for some time and I need to just start banging the keys until I get it out. Please be aware, that while something I read triggered this reaction, it was NOT meant, nor was it taken, as a personal assault upon me, and hence, I wish no ill will to anyone who may read this now. Thanks.

Ok so now that we've got the nice-itys out of the way, let me just say this:

Glenn IS my husband in every sense of the word, whether it has been legal or not. We've talked about getting married....GAWD have we ever talked about getting married! We even went so far as to register and receive a marriage license, but never went through with the actual deal due to events out of our control. It was not something we had planned upon, but life sometimes happens, and we...well more me than him....felt a piece of paper would NOT change how we feel about one another. He calls me his wife more often than he calls me his girlfriend, and vice-a-versa. It's what we feel in our hearts and what we show each other in our actions that mean more than having a fucking marriage certificate. If we really wanted to push the issue, we could say we are common-law married, which Texas does still have, just in a very lax sense. But we don't, and that's our decision and our business, so don't try to tell us why we are wrong. After nearly 8 years together, I can't imagine my life without him, and know he has no desire to be with any other woman on this earth.

Glenn and I have one child together. Her name is Charlayne. She is the most beautiful child in more ways than I ever imagined was possible. She has kept me sane when I wanted to kill myself. She has made me smile when all I could do was cry. She has turned my hair a whiter shade of grey with her fearlessness and numerous trips to the Emergency Room and calls to Poison Control. Char has brought me much joy in her short 6 1/2 years and continues to be my shining star. She is my angel; my baby; my only daughter. Our only child together.

But Char has 2 brothers. They are from my failed marriage. Char adores her brothers and misses them greatly. To her, they are her BROTHERS, not her HALF brothers. Obviously my three kids have two different daddies, but they all came from MY body and all are treated equal. Glenn has NEVER treated my boys like they were "my boys;" he has shown them love and affection and disciplined them as though they were his own kids. When asked how many kids we have, his answer is "3." Chad and Kyle are Char's heroes, and while she has only seen them once in 3+ years, she talks (and argues) with them on a regular basis. She's been brought to tears when she realizes how far away they are and how much she misses them. She doesn't understand divorce and custody or step families. And hopefully she will never have to.

Chad and Kyle, apparently don't live with me. They have lived with their dad and stepmom and stepbrother for 7 1/2 years. This was MY choice, but not one I made easily. I have often regretted my decision to let them live with their dad, but then hindsight is 20/20. Their lives have not been all that bad living with my ex and in many ways they are better off because of it. But there are moments and occurrences that make me shudder that I PUT THEM THERE. I can't undo the past, and I can't control their lives, hard as I wish I could. I've tried being the nice person, the easy going one, the one who is walked all over by both my kids and their other parents.

But this year is going to be different. Actually, last year was different. I put my foot down firmly and said my peace. Whether this has changed me in their eyes has yet to be determined, but I feel better about myself, so it's ok. Not much more can be taken away from me. My ex has made sure the courts are involved and he alone controls this. I can't afford a lawyer to fight him and so I've pussyfooted around his outrageous behavior for many years. But no longer. He can kiss my ass. Yes, he can make sure I don't ever talk to my boys....at least until they are of legal age or run away. He's already made sure I can't see them or visit them, unless on his terms. He can continue to bad mouth me and lie to my boys about me. It won't make the things he says true. Yes, it hurts. Deeply and sharply. But I can't continue to live my life walking on imaginary eggshells he throws out in front of me.

My boys are my boys. I am more than their "biological" mother! I am their MOM, Goddamnit! Nothing will ever change that. But my boys have been living a life outside of MY world, out of my grasp, and away from my influences. These are things I can never get back. All I can do is move forward and try to make MY life the best it can be, and hope that one day, they will have the maturity to handle MY truth, MY world and MY decisions. To worry constantly until then only makes me sicker and less of the person I need to be. For me, for Glenn, for Char and always for them.