Lil' Miss

Lil' Miss @ 5 1/2 months young

My baby girl is growing up. *sigh* At the ripe old age of 6, Lil' Miss never ceases to amaze me.

She's been gone visiting grandma & pa for almost the entire summer. I've missed her like crazy, but she was having so much fun, we allowed her to stay a month longer than we had planned to. I waited by the phone on Thursday evenings, knowing this was when she'd call. Hoping to get a glimpse into her world. Wishing I was there to see her explore the mountains of Arkansas, discovering lots of new things.

For almost 4 weeks, she had a "pet" lizard, who wasn't afraid of her, and who freely wandered the house. When grandma noticed he wasn't looking well, she convinced Lil' Miss to "send him to visit his other lizard friends." She took him outside and set him on the side of a tree. He just stood there. Thinking he didn't see any friends, she picked him up and took him to another tree. Again, he just stood there. Not to be deterred that easily and wanting to help him, she gently picks him up again and tries a third tree. As soon as his little feet touched the bark, he BOLTS , causing Lil' Miss to bust into tears. She didn't even get to say goodbye to her friend.

She also had a couple of tadpoles who, as I was informed, would grow into frogs! Pa and her found them when they went fishing with her new Spider-Man fishing pole: a gift daddy had bought her the first day of summer. I was told they'd be coming home with her, but sadly, one day they were gone. Not sure if Pa used them for bait or if they died in the small jar she left out in the summer sun.

When she was tested late last school year, we were informed that she only ranked 48 out of 100, for kids her age and grade, in reading comprehension. Not bad, but not as high as we'd like, so we got tough on making sure she practiced more. We sent a TON of study material for her to work on a little each day while at Grandma's, although we cautioned grandma not to force-feed it to her and let her work at her own pace. She worked hard the first few weeks, then slacked off, and I was kind of concerned since she would have less than 2 weeks before school started by the time she came home. Her first day home, she's sitting on my lap, "Cat in the Hat" book in hand, and asks me to read it to her. I begin reading, but still have a cigarette in my other hand, so I pause to put it out. Without skipping a beat, Lil' Miss starts reading where I stopped!!! Not just sounding out the words, but actually reading them! Thinking she has simply memorized the book, I turn ahead a few pages and ask her to continue reading, and again, she starts reading! My mouth drops and Grandma and Pa look over at me and smile. "Hasn't she gotten so good at reading?" "YEAH! Oh My Goodness!!!" "She's been reading the booklets you sent over and over all summer long." She has progressed to a point I wasn't expecting until well after Christmastime; she is actually recognizing words and not having to sound out each word. Lil' Miss beams with pride and finishes the book.

Yesterday, while daddy is getting ready to go to work, Lil' Miss lets out a blood-curdling scream! "MOM! MOM! MOM!" We both jump and and nearly knock each other over trying to get to her. She comes running down the hall, bouncing into the room with the biggest smile on her face and her finger in her mouth, "MY TOOTH IS LOOSE!" She has been waiting for this moment for well over a year! At times, she'd break down and cry, "I'm never gonna lose a tooth!", after another classmate had lost a tooth. This is a BIG milestone for us all....her FIRST loose tooth. I just can't put into words what all this means.

*note to self....pull out babybook and write this down!

On Tuesday, we watched ABC's Extreme Makeover Home Edition, where Ty and his team were making over a house whose oldest son had become paralyzed in a car accident a couple years ago. They added a therapeutic pool in the backyard, an elevator to take him to all 3 floors of the house, and a ton of other awesome things, as usual. And as usual, at the end of the show, I was in tears of joy for this family and the incredible feat perfomed by the show. Lil' Miss looks over at me and says, "Why do you look so sad?" (Yeah, I cry at the drop of a hat, but she still asks me this after every show.) I explain why and she smiles and gives me a hug.

Then on Wednesday evening, out of nowhere, she asks me, "Remember that show we watched yesterday, where they put the pool in the backyard for the guy in the wheelchair?" "Yes, why?" "Well........ummm.......how does he get into the pool?" My eyes just freeze on her, as I realize how much thinking it took her to get to that question, and I just smile a BIG smile. "That's a GREAT question, huney, and I wondered that myself when watching the show." I then explain that towards the end of the show, I saw the answer....a seat attached to the arm of a crane that was attached to the side of the pool. "OK, but how does he get into the chair?" I proceed to explain this, using a couple of different chairs near the window. "Is that how he gets into bed, too?" "Basically, yes." "Why does he need a pool?" I explain how he can't use any part of his body from his chest down and that his arms are kinda like his legs now, in that he must use them to roll the wheelchair EVERYWHERE, and they need to be strong, but that they also getting very tired and need to relax. WOW! What a lot of new information for her little mind to absorb. You can see the wheels turning in her head and suddenly she just smiles and says, "Oh, OK!!!" And then drops the entire subject as she turns back to watch Cartoon Network.

My heart fills with enormous pride and I can't stop smiling.

Dear Guardian Angels,
Please let me keep my little girl just a while longer.
I know her teenage years aren't far off,
but let her stay 47 pounds and 48 1/4" tall for a bit.
Keep away the training bras and maxi-pads,
and let her dolls and hot-wheels be enough excitement for now.
Save her innocence as long as you can
and protect her from anyone who would break her heart.
Keep her safe and spare her mental health.
She is, afterall, my little girl.
Thank You,
Lil' Miss' mom

Only Time

How is it possible to be both worn out and revved up at the same time?
By the same thing, none the less?

I got an interesting voice message from my ex yesterday. Yet when I called him back, he put my youngest son on the phone and told him he'd talk to me "later". Today was later. Now obviously my hands were sweating and my blood pressure was racing, because usually when he wants to "talk", I end up in knots and tears; a mess for days on end. I never know what to expect.

What did I do NOW? Could this have anything to do with his wife being in Mississippi alone for the first time EVER? What did trouble did my boys get into this time? Who died?

I used to love talking to my ex for hours at a time. It was one of the biggest assets in our marriage when we were newly married. And even though our divorce wasn't all roses, I still liked talking to him after he was re-married. Afterall, he had been my closet friend for so long and I felt blind trust in him.

But life changes and so did we. I had found a new love to talk to and share my thoughts with. And with time, my conversations with my ex became more and more "resented" by his new wife. How could I make her undestand I didn't want him anymore and that too much had happened for me to EVER want him again? Now that's not to say I don't still wonder about what life would be like if we had not gone thru the big "D" and how much I still love the man he USED to be. Or should I say, the man I thought he was. But who he's become now, is a man I trust no further than I can throw him; a man who still makes me nervous and anxious, but never in a good way anymore.

I find his "Jeckyll and Hyde mixed with Godfather" demeanor to be very unnerving. Much like the father he claims raised him. Yet, he doesn't see himself as that. He thinks he is all about integrity, honesty, dignity and loyalty, but actions speak louder than words. Ya know?

So we spent well over an hour just talking today. And somewhere I found the strength to say things I've held inside for way too long, to not cower to his overpowering attitude towards me and I managed to only cry once, but not because of anything he said. It felt GREAT! We were both calm and open to saying what needed to be said without saying everything we wanted, knowing it would just start a fight and end up accomplishing nothing. We talked about the boys. We talked about work and everyone's health. We talked about our sex life...or lack thereof....at the end of our marriage. And he was shocked to hear that my boyfriend was standing right beside me as all of this was said. ("I hide NOTHING from Glenn," I told him.)

This conversation was long overdue, and went pretty well, in my opinion, but I wonder what changes will now come because of it? Will he change his tune once his wife is back in town?

Only time will tell. Only time.