Bandaids

Here's hoping everyone has a safe New Year's Eve!

An Irishman staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing throughthe house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those damn Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

Why Driving AFTER Drinking Is A Bad Idea

Happy Holiday Birthday

Today is my friend's 33rd birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, T!

But having a "holiday birthday" has GOT TO SUCK. At least I think so.

People tend to forget about your birthday, or try to "combine" gifts, so they don't have to buy more than one, like they would for everyone else who has a birthday not on or near a holiday. Or they try to combine get togethers, so they can say they celebrated your special day. What a joke. That is IF they aren't too busy to even remember your birthday.

My older sister's birthday is Dec. 26th. She's hated her birthday all her 39 years on earth. Everyone is usually too tired from the weeks of excitement and build-up to give a flying fuck about doing anything for her.

My nephew just turned 16 on Christmas Eve, so not only does he NOT get to celebrate with his mom, (dad has dibs thru the day after Christmas), but having a birthday party is out of the question. At least on his official day of birth.

And my oldest son's birthday is 6 months later (or earlier, if you like), near the biggest American Holiday: Independence Day. He has trouble getting his friends together for a party because most of them are away on vacation or have other plans for the 4th of July weekend. He's always wanted a waterpark birthday party, but no one is ever around to go.

I think I'm pretty lucky, tho, because my birthday is exactly 2 months after Christmas. Just enough time for everyone to get past those first shocking credit card bills, almost 2 weeks after Valentine's day, and long enough for me to figure out what I really want for my birthday that I didn't get at Christmas. hehehe.

When I was 11, my aunt and uncle chose my little sister's birthday (near mother's day) to have a BIG celebration for all three of us girls. They called it our "Un-Birthday" party. That was so cool for us that year.

Our house had caught fire and burned down just two days after Christmas*, so not only did we lose all our gifts, but my older sister lost her limited few birthday presents as well. The fire caused us to basically be homeless, though never on the street thanks to the generosity of others. We bounced around ending up at my dad's little one bedroom apartment with my future first stepmom, then when that went south, we were sent to Vancouver, Washington to live with my aunt and uncle. My first day of school there, was on my birthday, and to say I was sad would be an understatement. The airline had lost our luggage, so we all looked like homeless rag-o-muffins, lost without our mom, our home or any special toys to comfort us.

So having an "Un-Birthday" really was a life-saver for us that year. It redeemed all the bad we had gone through, while making us feel incredibly special.

And everyone deserves to feel special for ONE day, at least, each year.

I'd like to suggest that people like Tony be given an extra day, sometime during the un-busy part of the year, to be recognized and celebrated. To know that their birthdays are not forgotten or unimportant.

*It wasn't until just a few years ago (the fire was 25 years ago) that it occured to me that the fire was MY fault. It wasn't intentional, but it was ME who caused the fire that changed our lives forever. I believe this is where my depression began. At the ripe old age of 10. But then that's another post for another day.

How To Confuse Santa

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

6. Plug up the chimney

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy."

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

13. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Again, thanks to Sudhir for this piece of advice.

Out Of The Mouth Of Babes

a.k.a. Kids say the darndest things

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

*Thanks to Sudhir for this.

I've Got Icicles On My Icicles

To anyone in North Texas who doesn't live under a rock, today's arctic blast of snow, sleet and gusty winds came as no surprise. It's beautifully white and finally feels like Christmas around here.

But doggoneit, is it ever COLD!

Yesterday was a really long, trying day and I was in no condition to be up and about, but UP and ABOUT I WAS. I couldn't afford not to be. I wanted to delegate the errands and chores to Glenn, but he came home with a fever of 101.2F, so I was left with little choice.

I managed to sneak out of the house for an hour, dropping Lil' Miss off with the girls, while I ran to Target to grab a few of the toys she's pointed out. In and out in less than 30 minutes. Gotta love that! Then we came back home and I made a mental list of things I needed to get at Wal-Mart. I tried to get her settled down so I could make a run after she was asleep, since I couldn't take her AND buy presents for her. It was almost 1:00 am before she was ready for sleep. (*sigh* ...vacation means late nights in our house!) Wal-Mart was relatively empty, except for the poor employees trying to pick up the messes made by the masses. I picked up the really GOOD stuff she wanted and then went to the grocery side to pick up some extra stuff to sustain us happily thru the cold weather ahead.

I tried getting gas so Glenn wouldn't have to worry about it, but the crazy pumps wouldn't work for me. They got authorization for my card, but no gas would come out. So I tried another pump and had the same problem, so I just said to heck with it, took my receipts for ZERO dollars (LOL!) and went home. I managed to get a couple hours of sleep before the phone rang at 8:00am this morning.

Turns out my spending spree and the two attempts at getting gas triggered a fraud alert with my bank and they were calling to verify my purchases. How cool was that?!!! Everything checked out fine and I was able to give them the amount I spent before they asked, which made them happy. I was very happy to know that someone is looking after my butt (and my hard-earned money!!).

So I sat here watching the weather reports this morning waiting for the rain to turn to sleet and then snow, as it was already all wintry north of us. I opened the blinds and curtains, so Lil' Miss would see the snow when it came, and turned up the heat to compensate for the additional coldness. I fell back asleep and she never woke me up, instead choosing to hook up the N64 and play her video games.

She was given a "new" game, YOSHI, which she just loves playing. This has really sparked her interest in video games....something I know NOTHING about. She'd be an addict if I let her; I can just see it in her eyes! So I wake up to her playing MARIO CART, pausing just long enough to tell me she finally learned how to play TONY HAWK! Oh yippee skippee...my child is a video game nerd....LOL!

I ask her if she's looked outside yet and she says "no," so I tell her to look out my bedroom window, as the snow hasn't been sticking to the roads out front...YET! There wasn't much to see, and she completely missed it! I point out the fence ledges and rooftops, and she just SCREAMS with excitement!!!

Now a little background here..... about a week, week and a half ago, she decided to write all over my dry erase calendar on the fridge. Long squiggly lines and her "notes," for which she got into trouble. It's MY board and not a toy, I told her. But I left the lines and notes to remind her of what she'd done. One note she wrote, was for yesterday, December 21st. Winter solstice. She wrote, "snow begins" because she believes if it's when winter starts, then there BETTER be snow! She was more than a little disappointed yesterday when the weather was sunny, and not a single snowflake in the sky, and was not comforted by the thought of pending snow today.

So yeah, my daughter is not only gonna be a video game junkie, given the opportunity, but she has apparently inherited the ability to see into the future. And she isn't even related by blood to the Great Swami! LMAO!

Seven Wonders of the World

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present"Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied,"Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.

"The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:

1. To See


2. To Hear


3. To Touch


4. To Taste


5. To Feel


6. To Laugh


7. And to Love."



The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!

A gentle reminder that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

One Kiss

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said:

"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a divine meal of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

"I don't freakin' think so."

I'm Not Ready For You To Grow-Up!

OH NO! Not yet, please!

Lil' Miss finally asked "the big question" on Thursday and I panicked. But what do you say?

WHAT
DO
YOU
SAY??????

Out of nowhere, she asked me if I believed that Santa was real!!!

Wholly Shit! I was so NOT ready for her to ask that question YET! Maybe in another year or so. But NOT now!

I've always believed in letting a child enjoy their youthful imagination until they were ready to grow up. I figured that once one of my kids asked me about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy, I'd be grown-up enough to tell them the truth and let them down easy.

Kids are not stupid and know more than we give them credit for. If they ask you a serious question, you should always answer truthfully, even if you have to take the kid gloves off. If you lie and they find out, your credibility is shot to hell and they will be less likely to ask you the more important questions later in life or believe you when you need them to.

I've always been a believer in HONESTY, even when it hurts. Tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may, but you can sleep better at night. Sometimes this moral policy of mine has gotten me into trouble I'd rather not be in, but I wouldn't change a thing if I could.

So what did I say when she asked me?

Well, after I began breathing again and stopped staring at her...

I CHOKED!

Crashed and Burned!

Bit the dust!

My nose grew 6 inches immediately!!!!!

Me: "Well, what do you believe, huney? And why do you ask?"

Her: "So-n-so said he's not real and that people just pretend he is. But I think he's real."

Me: "Well, the Santa you see at the stores and on TV isn't real. So we do pretend in that way. But as long as you think he's real, that's all that matters."

Her: "Yeah, kinda like Jesus and GOD, huh?"

OH, SHIT, NOT THIS QUESTION! Ask me about ANY thing, but THIS!!!

Me: "Ummm, yeah I guess."

Her: "See, I knew Santa WAS real!"

Me: "Yep, he sure is!"

I hung my head in shame and didn't sleep very well, knowing I missed a perfectly good opportunity to come clean with her.

On Friday she asked me again, and again, I lied.

I'm just not ready for my baby-girl to grow up or be disappointed and let down. Especially so close to Christmas. And we've only got to play Tooth-Fairy once! *waaahhhh*

I never got the chance to deal with this, with my boys; they were living with their dad when their older step-brother spilled the beans.

I want to sit her down and tell her the truth, but now I don't know how.

What do you say? *sighs*

Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning!

And remember:
Money talks...but chocolate sings.

Another giggle... My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Here, have some chocolate.

Anniversary Number 21

Today is never an easy day for me, and it's been 21 years now. I'm only 35, but Today, I'm 14 again, wishing for another Yesterday. Hoping to wake from the nightmare my life became on December 9th, 1983. Here is a repeat of what I wrote just 366 days ago....

20 Year Anniversary
Post Date: Tue Dec 09, 2003

Today is the 20th anniversary of the day my childhood officially ended.

It's a day that changed my life forever. A day I don't think I can ever forget. Especially not those few unexpected moments, the shock, the disbelief, and immense sadness. Yet somehow, I don't remember crying that evening; not one wet tear. It was the day my mom had her stroke.

For years, I referred to it as the day mom had an aneurysm (a word I didn't know, I didn't know, and one I wish I didn't have to learn). But in later years I learned the generic term...STROKE! Tell someone your mom had an aneurysm, and you spend a good amount of time explaining what that is, and recalling a devastating time in your 9th grade year of high school. But tell them she had a stroke, and no real explanation is needed. I prefer to say stroke because it is easier on me, but I NEVER forget the brain aneurysm that nearly ended her life that very morning, while standing in the living room at my grandparent's home.

Mom lived 8 1/2 years longer than most people who suffer such an trauma, but she was never quite the same. Lucky for her, the brain damage took away almost all her bad memories, but it also took away her independence in life, and that was something she knew and it broke her heart to be that person. She was suddenly the child, and we were the grown-ups. She never stopped being my mom, though...not for a second.

I remember forging another note excusing me from school that day. (Having students working in the attendance office was probably one of the stupidest ideas ever implemented at my first HS; I hadn't spent a full day in school since maybe the first week of school, and this was the beginning of month four!) But this time, I had plans...a full weekend of fun with my best friend, Jeannette. After riding the public transit buses clear across Santa Clara county to meet up with Jeannette, I was upset to learn her mom had grounded her and forbid her from leaving for the weekend. Not like that ever stopped Jeannette, so we packed a bag and sneaked out while her mom rested on the couch. We hauled ass to catch the next bus, before her mom found out. It seemed like a long bus ride that day. Maybe it was because we had to sit in downtown longer than usual or maybe it was because we were so excited to get to my house to have fun. My mom wouldn't have said much about Jeannette's leaving against her mom's orders; she personally didn't like her mom all that much, and knew Jeannette was having a hard time adjusting. We would all have fun hanging out, listening to the new Michael Jackson album Mom had bought and stay up late laughing and giggling, while eating ourselves silly.

We lived in a little nook, just off the highway and an expressway surrounded by a large six-foot brick wall. That night, I remember walking along the expressway and under the freeway, and coming to that wall. It was sunset and it was really getting dark fast. Just a few more feet and we'd turn onto my street, and be just steps from home. When suddenly I heard this wailing, that to this day was unlike anything I have ever heard. But oddly, I knew in an instant it was my little sister. Being the tough tomboy she was, not much made her cry, and I knew something was dreadfully wrong. The three of us turned the corner at the same moment, facing one another, and she just looked at me, scared to death, and blurted out something about mom being in the hospital. Now us girls are notorious for pulling stupid pranks, but I doubted this was one of them. I didn't understand all she was saying, but we rushed upstairs just the same. The rest was and is a blur to me. I recall tidbits here and there, like calling my first boyfriend, and begging him to come over (he never did), and being chewed out by someone about not coming home from school on time, and having to call Jeannette's mom to come get her (it would be years before I saw her again).

Someone came and picked up us three girls and took us to the hospital. Mom looked like death, all bloated and bruised, and with tubes and wires in every conceivable place you could see, and probably some you couldn't. I remember sitting down with the doctor and hearing him tell us what an aneurysm is, and how she was lucky to be alive. "LUCKY?!!! Are you fucking crazy?," I thought. "When was she gonna come home, and how long until she was better?" That's when we were told we wouldn't know UNLESS she woke up.

One of us girls got the bright idea to call my aunt and my dad to let them know what had happened. How we wished we hadn't made that call. We never imagined it would mean we would have to move to L.A. to live with dad. (That's a whole other story!) One crazy week later, we were packed up and loaded in a van headed for our new life. We kept hearing how it would only be 6 months until mom was better and could take care of us, and that gave us hope. It also made us angry to have to leave our friends and everything we knew, when we'd surely be back before long.

As time passed, that hope faded, and the following November, mom was finally well enough to visit us, so her and Kim came down to stay for a few days.

And that's when I knew.

Mom was now 40 years old, but had the mental capacity of a 7 year old on a good day. She was tough as nails, and survived something that SHOULD have killed her, but she would never be the same, and neither would we.

What the...???

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"

Holly Finkel

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'd be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The operator replied "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel. No one tells me shit!"

un-HEALTH-y UPDATE

Yeah, so you told me to go to the doctor, didn't you? But did I?

*Hanging my head* NO! *sigh* ....but I had a good reason. Umm....well, I didn't think I was that bad, and besides, I didn't have any money. I guess I could've gone and sat at Parkland for 12+ hours, but that just wasn't an option. I could have called my dad and asked for money, but pride prevented that.

Today though, I decided I HAD to go. We'd just gotten paid on Friday, and now had money in the bank. Well, money for BILLS, anyhow. But I really needed to go. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad.

I was wrong; it WAS THAT BAD! 3 hours later, and $200 in the hole, it IS definitely bad. Now I have to figure out what bills are NOT getting paid this month. UGH!

I am going to stay home tomorrow... I already asked Nancy to work my shift ...because the medicine is gonna kick my butt for a couple days. And I just really needed a break to catch up on sleep and try to get better, so I can work like a dog until Christmas gets here.

And to top off the wondrous day, I asked Glenn to call the boys for me, since I haven't had time, energy or A VOICE to talk to them in over a week. He spoke to K (not who I would have chosen as messenger), then got a "nice" little phone call back from my ex. Glenn was great; kept his cool and said little. Damon, on the other hand thought he had the right to bitch out Glenn, because supposedly I've been making promises to the boys (which I have NOT) and he's wanting to know all about my health and what I'm gonna do. A$$hole!!! Somebody smack the record player, 'cuz this albums got a scratch in it! Would it have been better to NOT call and at least let them know I'd been sick and was at the doctor's and would hopefully be calling on Tuesday if I felt better? Or should I have just let them wonder and worry? Gawd, I hate fucking with that man and his arrogant ways. I can never win, no matter what I do.

Dear Guardian Angels,
Please give me strength, once again, to deal with Mr. Perfect, without breaking down and crying and without getting into a screaming match, that I will surely lose. As usual. Please help him and the boys to see the better side of me, and not the bad side they are now perceiving. Please give me strength to get well, and the ability to overcome the "issues" I hold inside, without making more mistakes that others will pay for. And please protect me from the dark side of my mind, which at this time is fighting for control. PLEASE!!!!
~Zette~

Fight With The Little Woman

Walking into the bar, Henry said, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Henry replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed you little chicken!"

New Adult Only Airline

The only Terrorist-Proof Airline in the business where we can absolutely guarantee no walk-on guns, knives, box cutters, shoe-bombs or other weapons carried onto our flights!

Yes, here at NAKED AIRLINES we care about your safety and IT SHOWS.....

You don't instinctively panic when someone yells, "We're going down!"

The liquor bottles aren't the only obviously undersized objects on the flight.

Look at those beautiful leather seats! Never mind -- that's just the AARP group returning from Cancun.

Three straight hours of the guy next to you asking for help adjusting his seat belt.

"Sorry about that turbulence, ladies and gentlemen; my co-pilot grabbed the wrong stick."

"Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned off the No Groping sign...."

"We'll now begin pre-boarding for passengers with cups C through D."

You lowered your window shade, but you can still see a full moon. Six of 'em, in fact.

Earning Mile High Club membership requires much less strategizing than with other airlines.

At meal time, nobody orders the pulled chicken.

"... and those of you on the left side of the cabin, if you now look to the right, you can see the towering timber of flight attendant Brian."

It's much easier to tell when somebody's coming down the aisle with nuts.

"And now in the left aisle, serving cocktails, come on guys, put your hands together for *Taammyyyy*!"

Forget flotation devices....after what those seat cushions have been through, you'd rather drown.

Cereality

"The latest fast food concept is so absurdly simple, self-indulgent and reflective of one's inner child that, well, how can it fail?"
~Jerry Shriver~
USA TODAY

OH MY GAWD! I am so absolutely blown away by this idea, that I'm just sitting here in AWE! I LOVE CEREAL!

Growing up, my sisters and I ONLY had cereal to eat each morning, because MOM was a single mother working double-time to raise three fiesty girls. It was easy and affordable on our budget, and she didn't have to worry about us burning the apartment down while she was at work. Twice a month, on the weekends, MOM would get up and cook us either pancakes or eggs and bacon. And occasionally we were treated with oatmeal, both instant and old-fashioned. But it was the cereal that sustained us during our youth.

When I was pregnant with my oldest son, I lived on Cheerios and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. Everyday. For 9 months.

After my youngest son was born, I finally got to be a stay-at-home-mommy. When I saw all the other mommies making their kiddos hot meals each day for breakfast, I began to feel really guilty. My boys had a cupboard full of over half a dozen types of cereal to choose from, and almost never got a hot breakfast. (It was a dark period of discovering my life-long depression and they were lucky to have gotten cereal.)

Then one day, I saw a report on the differences between kids who were given hot meals of eggs, oatmeal, pancakes and the such versus kids who were given cereal each morning. It was shocking to find that the kids on the cereal diets were not only healthier but did better in school because unlike the hot breakfasts, their cereals were fortified with vitamins and minerals that many kids just weren't getting as part of their RDA.

Vindication! I never felt guilty again about feeding my kids lots of cereal.

When I was pregnant with Lil' Miss, I went on a cereal binge like NO OTHER! My pantry had over 20 different types of cereal and I ate several bowls everyday. It was not unusual for me to take cereal to work with me, and just buy the milk there, if I ate it with milk at all. My boys were in heaven when they came to visit because they were sure to find at least one of their favorite cereals at my house. Cereal was my comfort food and the variety was endless.

One thing that my sisters and I used to do when we were at the end of a cereal box, was mix two different kinds of cereal to make a full bowl. This always seemed weird to me, but I was never disgusted by the endless combinations we could make.

Cereality encourages this fun exploration of combinations. With toppings for your cereal ranging from frutis and nuts to Pop-Rocks and Whopper's Malted Milk Balls. Oh, the sugar rush you'll have from one of those! LOL! They offer fresh-baked cereal bars, smoothies, parfaits and snack mixes. And they even have this really cool milk-tight bowl, that looks like a Chinese take out box.

Yeah, $2.95 may seem a bit much to pay for a 32-ounce bowl of cereal but in comparison to the price of a cup of coffee at Starbuck's and how much more you get with the cereal, it seems such a bargain. Plus you get to try cereals in a smaller portion that you might not want to buy as the whole box.

These college students sure are lucky!

I'm Zsa-Zsa Applesprinkles

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day.

And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.

Here is your dose of humor... Follow the instructions to find your new name.


The following in an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names......

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gadget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = bootie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tootie
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = biscuits
o = hiney
p = chunks
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice


For example:
John Kerry's new name is Cheeseball Girdlebuns.
George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.
William Jefferson Clinton's new name is Bootie Liverbiscuits.

Now, let the rest of us know WHO YOU ARE by leaving your name in the comments! Thanks!

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day.

When a Woman Lies

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river.

He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."


MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.


That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

A.A.A.D. Disorder

*A.A.A.D. Disorder

I'm sure some of you can relate, and those who can't, well trust me... someday you will!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the TV room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

And it can begin any time after turning 30!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

*I don't know where this ditty came from, but someone sure has MY number! ~Zette~

Something Different

Today is the First Day of the Last Month of this Year.

When this year started out, I was trying hard to get my wings fluttering with FlyLady. Her motto for the year was "Less is More in 2004!" While I have stepped away from Dear Ms. FlyLady, I have not forgotten some of her valuable lessons.

One of the most important lessons for me deals with letting go of our perfectionism. Basically, even a less than perfectly done job, is still better than if you didn't ever start it. This goes against everything so many of us are taught growing up. While I think learning how to do something 100% correctly is important, and a goal to strive for, trying to be perfect often gets in the way of everything else. We miss the forest for the trees.

Anyhow...

The end of the year is upon us, as are the holidays. With all the chaos and stress this can bring, we tend to stop enjoying the season and some of us will fall deep into depressions that may take months to overcome.

In trying to "clean" out my numerous email boxes (Yep, still working at that monsterous task!) I'm noticing lots of jokes and silly stuff, that I've really wanted to pass along and share. But I know not everyone has the time, energy or desire to sort through all the crap I tend to send out.

So this is what I'm going to try to do instead:

Because I want to get rid of some of the excess stuff in my email accounts, but I also want to share some of what I find humorous with others, and I think this time of year we could all use an extra smile here and there....I'm going to try to post at least one joke or funny email to my blog everyday, for the rest of the month.

Whatcha think? Does this sound like something you might want to read?

I hope you enjoy some of what I post and if not, I hope you will not be offended.