Sometimes, It's Just Not Enough

It seems no matter what I have or what I receive, it's not enough. I feel so totally ungrateful, bitchy, whiny and it's no wonder I feel like crap. My heart aches and my mind is having a hard time coping with the conflicting emotions inside. It doesn't help that my hormones are fucking with me or that I already suffer from depression.

But right now, I'm throwing a pity party that part of me feels justified for having, while the other part of me says, GROW THE FUCK UP!

Friday was my birthday. #36 to be exact. And once again, I feel let down, alone and unloved. The day started decently enough. Mother Nature gave me my period a week early, which I'm grateful to have, but unhappy with her timing. I was tired and not looking forward to a 6 hour shift, when I'd rather have gone home with Glenn after lunch. But I got up early and got ready shortly after getting Lil' Miss off to school. Tracie called and asked me to stop by her house and pick up her medicine that she forgot to bring with her when she took Nancy to the airport. No problem, but it cut into the time I had set aside for stopping to get breakfast. Oh well, I'd eat at work. Again.

I was a bit miffed that my boys AND my dad had not called early in the morning to wish me "Happy Birthday", but held out hope for a phone call later that evening instead. Char and Glenn had both failed to say anything or even give me a card, yet I knew he'd bought me something earlier in the week and hid it in the closet. The ONLY birthday wishes I'd received were from stupid websites that I frequent. Glenn finally called while I was in the shower and left me a message wishing me a "Happy Birthday". Ok, see...right there....I should've been happy to get that message, but NO. I was irritated with that being the best he had done. I blew it off and tried to think that tonight would be better.

At 1:00 pm, Glenn showed up at my store and just sat out in the car. I stopped to talk to him and ask why he was off so early. Then I suggested he go home and take advantage of the free time to rest or at least vacuum. LOL! He said he wanted to wait for me, so I reminded him that I was working until 5:00 pm. That's ok, he said. I knew he was up to something but didn't know what. So I asked Tracie if I could go have a cigarette with him real quick and she just laughed, saying, "I know you didn't just ask me that during lunch." "Yeah, I did, since it's slow and Glenn is here." OH! Glenn's here? I didn't hear you say that." (Duh, if she'd listen to ALL I said and not just the beginning, we'd get along a lot better more often.) So she let me go out back and warned me to keep an eye out for customers, so I could come back in and help if needed. No problem.

I told Glenn my day was going okay, except for Kelly, who kept bugging me with stupid remarks like "Smile, Sue, it'll be ok." That was getting old FAST, as I really was feeling fine. Just a little monthly cramps, but I was ok. I was really just trying to concentrate on what needed to be done. 1/2 a cigarette later, I felt I needed to go help, so I said goodbye and again told him to go home. He didn't. I walk back inside and all of a sudden, everyone is saying "It's your birthday? Well Happy Birthday." Tracie says, "I didn't forget about your birthday. Just your card, which I should have told you to grab this morning when you went by there." Again, here.... I felt like crap, not happy that everyone was saying Happy Birthday. She HAD forgotten my birthday. I'd been there for over 2 hours and she just now decided to say something. Sheesh. And I was insulted by her remark that maybe I could've stopped to pick up my own fricking card that she forgot! Why not just say you forgot it and you'd bring it to me later. Or say nothing about it. I just felt crappy about it all.

Then we started to get busy and I was in and out, not really paying any attention to everyone else. Suddenly, I see Glenn walking up with a birthday cake with lit candles AT THE SAME TIME someone is trying to tell me about an unhappy customer of mine and, well priorities in place I turn to find out what the problem is with the customer. Tracie is telling Glenn to take it back; Not yet. That was the last I saw of Glenn because he left during all the confusion without saying another word. Suddenly, it was clear why he had been there, but now I had a bigger problem and was unable to be happy about anything. I had accidentally given the wrong credit cards to two women earlier, even though I had run them correctly and received the correct signatures, I'd somehow fucked up and obviously the one lady who NOW realized it, was PISSED. Guilt and shame took over my emotions and I couldn't apologize enough. There was little to say or do, until the second lady also realized it and contacted us. Now Glenn was gone, the candles were out and I felt like shit. Tracie half-assed sang me "Happy Birthday" but no one else joined in.

It was about 2 hours later, that I finally went back to even look at the cake. It was really pretty and sat there, alone on top of some stuff, uncut, unenjoyed and un-refrigerated. Sigh. So I cut a piece for me, and another for one of the cooks. No one else seemed to care or want any. The sadness I felt was making it hard to swallow or even taste the cake. How pathetic to be standing there alone eating cake. Here.... I should be happy that Glenn was thinking of me enough to go thru the trouble of trying to surprise me. Actually, I was happy and thankful, but still felt sad. Maybe it was the hormones fucking with me.

Leslie walked in around 4:00 pm, sat her stuff down and turned to me and said, "Happy Birthday, Sue!!!" I smiled and suddenly felt as though someone cared. She cared enough to remember as soon as she came in and not wait or say it as a passing thought. I told her about the cake and she immediately wanted to see it and have some. Her and Cheryl both asked me if I had big plans for the night, and suddenly I felt that emptiness hit the pit of my stomach again. "No. No one ever celebrates my birthday or takes me out." They seemed surprised and I felt bad because I didn't want to be all mopey and depressing. We just dropped the subject and I pretended like it wasn't a big deal, even though it was and is, and hurts a lot.

Certain things just bothered me after that, and I became very withdrawn. I was waiting to go home, although I wasn't really sure I even wanted to go there. I just wanted to disappear. Afterall, I already felt invisible. I was getting mad when I tried counting down. Confusion does that to me, and it seems my money had become a mess and unorganized and I had lost money in the last 15 minutes, and I was beginning to cry. Again. Tracie could see me getting frustrated and kept trying to make me laugh, but I tried to ignore her, for fear of breaking down right there in front of everyone. Feeling mad, confused and then crying too, was a sure fire way to see me melt. Finally the money worked itself out and I went to the back to get my stuff together to go. Tracie came back to see my cake and asked me if I was okay. "No" I told her and just opened up the flood gates, letting everything out that was bothering me. She kept saying it was ok, but I didn't feel it was ok. "Be happy, and don't cry; it's your birthday." That didn't seem to cheer me up, but letting it out did. I wiped the tears away and took a deep breathe.

I hung around a little longer to talk with her and Leslie, and since she was so tired, she asked me to take the deposit to the bank. "Sure, anything you need," but I really didn't want to go. I didn't get home until after 7:00 pm, but when I walked in the door Lil' Miss yelled "Happy Birthday" and ran up to give me a hug and kiss. For a few moments there, all my troubles seemed to melt away. I could see she was dressed to go out, so I knew they had plans to take me out to dinner. I just wanted to go to bed. I went to my room to get changed and saw a brown package sitting on the bed. I opened it to find a small hand held portable tv and batteries. Cute. Not necessarily what I wanted, but it was cute. Here..... I should have been thrilled to get something, ANYTHING, but I was kinda irritated that it wasn't something I had asked for. And it seemed to be only battery operated, which is a pain in the ass. I tried to hide my disappointment and just got dressed to go, even though I wasn't particularly hungry or in the mood to go out. My dad still hadn't called and neither had my boys, and not a single birthday card was around.

As I was fixing my hair, I heard Glenn talking on the phone. Apparently Tracie had called Glenn earlier when she got home (about 30-45 minutes before me) to ask if he had plans to take me out. He said yes, but wasn't sure where and was gonna let me pick. She suggested that her and James were gonna go out to eat at the Chinese restaurant by them, if we wanted to join. He said ok and had been waiting for me to get home. Here...... this bothered me. If you're gonna let me pick, why not ASK me ahead of time if I even wanted to go out. Give me a chance to decide. And Tracie could have just waited to see where I wanted to go if she wanted to "celebrate" my birthday, instead of choosing where they wanted to go and inviting us to join. I really have not wanted Chinese food lately and the thought of spending my birthday in a new stuffy restaurant was not my idea of fun.

Dinner was ok, I guess. The food was good. I was appalled at Glenn for ordering the most expensive meal (steak and seafood) and for basically eating like a caveman in a nice place. Tracie wanted to just talk about work, while Glenn and James talked about video games and Char bugged me to let her run thru the restaurant to see the fish aquariums. Finally when it was time to go, WAY PAST TIME TO GO, Glenn gave Tracie some money for the food and left $3 for a tip. I was horrified, as the server was great and took good care of us. I opened my wallet and left more money and they looked at me like I was crazy. "Sue, what are you doing? That's like leaving him a 20% tip." I was embarrassed and put on the spot. "Yeah, I know. That's what you're supposed to tip them when the service is good." They just rolled their eyes, which made me feel like shit.

James wanted us to come over. Actually he wanted Glenn to come over so he could show him his new video game which showed a lot of boobs and partial nudity. It was already 9:30 pm and Glenn had to get up at 3:30 am, so I said "not tonight." Glenn then said, "I'll be ok" so I shrugged my shoulders and got in the car to go. As we started to drive away, Char asked where we were going next. I told her to Tracie's house, so Dad and everyone "could ignore me more on my birthday by playing video games." "It'll only be a few minutes then we can all do something," Glenn said. FAMOUS LAST WORDS. Almost 45 minutes after getting there, Char was getting mad because the guys wouldn't let her come in the room to see the video game and so she was bugging me. She wanted to play pool or air hockey, but Tracie didn't feel like letting her out in the garage or messing with it all. I was drained and just wanted to go home to bed. Finally, the guys came out of the room and took Char to the garage to play. Never asking if I might want to play with them, since it was, afterall, MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY! I was beyond annoyed and finally told them it was time to go home.

We get home around 11:30 pm, and the only person who called was my older sister, Kim, who left a message around 8:00 pm. Unusual because she doesn't call that early. I expected her to call around midnight. Which she did when she called a second time. Still nothing from my boys or my dad. DAMNIT! Glenn gets undressed and just goes to bed without saying anything to me. Real nice. "What? You're just gonna go to bed without saying goodnight or anything to me?" I say. "I'm tired" is the only reply I get. "NICE" is all I manage to say before I walk out. I get Lil' Miss ready for bed and sit down to relax. Finally I come back in the room and he's already asleep, so I get online. Well, not everyone has forgotten my birthday. My grandpa, who will be 85 in a few days, emailed me and that made me laugh because he wished me a "Happy 37 Birthday" just like that. It was sweet. My cousin sent me an e-card, the first I've ever gotten from her, which was really cool. And of course Jan sent me an e-card, too, which was icing on the cake since she had already sent me a digital camera! Too cool!

I was feeling much like I do now. Ungrateful for what I have or have been given and pretty much unloved and unthought of. And ANGRY for feeling this way.

My weekend has come and gone, and these feelings linger. The weekend didn't get any better and I feel like shit. My boys never called, which hurts me deep, because I'm sure either Damon is being an asshole, or they actually forgot. My dad finally called at 8:30 pm tonight, while I was giving Lil' Miss a bath, but he didn't bother to leave a message. I haven't received a card or anything else from anyone else and I'm feeling totally overwhelmed at the mess in my house and the lack of help from anyone. I have a list a mile long of big projects I want to get started on, but can't justify doing any of it when I can't even see my own fucking floor. I've had only one real day off this week...today... and I barely got anything accomplished. When am I going to get some rest? Or some help? And when is this "funk" going to pass? Glenn never even thanked me for going out of my way to buy him tickets to WWE, with money that could've been better spent on something else. He never bothered to vacuum, do dishes, or fold any laundry. Taking the trash out has been a constant battle. And right now I'm feeling really put off by everyone else, and kinda wish I could disappear for awhile. Fuck everyone who I've ever helped out or cared about or been there for. You know who you are and you can kiss my ass, right about now.

Lil' Miss is the only good thing in my life right now that is keeping me from just walking away.

Just Ducky

I never owned a rubber ducky.... at least not one that I can remember.

Yeah, I thought they were cute, but most of my early rubber duck memories came by way of Sesame Street and Ernie singing in the tub. ("Rubber Duckie, You're The one." Sesame Street and I were both born in the same year.)

Then there was the 70's movie "Convoy" where the main character was "Rubber Duck." ("PigPen, this here's the Rubber Duck. Looks like we got ourselves a CONVOY!")

In the 80's we had "Pretty In Pink" with Jon Cryer playing "Duckie." (I secretly had a big crush on him after high school. shhhhh.)

But last week I found a rubber ducky bath rug and fell in love with it so Glenn let me get it.


Since then I have added a new shower curtain,

hooks

and bath towels.



Now I'm looking for the perfect rubber ducky trash can and sink accesories. And anything else that I think is cute.

Maybe I just needed the change away from flowers.

Maybe it's the kid in me trying to emerge.

Maybe I'm just a dork. But I suddenly have this obsession with rubber ducks!

Whatever the case may be, I want this one next.

"Are My Grey Hairs Showing Enough For You Now?"

The first day of Christmas Break (a.k.a. Winter Break) Lil' Miss attended a birthday party for a classmate at one of the MANY local churches' gymnasium. When I showed back up to get her, I found her trying to roller-skate thru the gym on the new Disney Princess skate/shoes, her friend had received. She LOVED those skates and they suddenly became her #1 wish for Santa to bring. Unfortunately, Santa had already bought her the scooter she wanted, so mom turned to Aunt Tracie who had not yet bought her a gift. Done deal and Lil' Miss opened her FAVORITE present a couple days after Christmas. She wore those skates every waking moment until school resumed. She stumbled and wobbled all over when she tried them outside.

Finally, it occurred to her, that she needed to try them out at a REAL rollerskating rink. So we promised to take her, but between being sick, working odd hours and her inability to behave at school, that visit has been put-off week by week for almost 2 months. Overall this past week, she's been very good, with minor occurrences of brattiness. She asked this morning if we could finally go tonight (Thursday is Family Night for only $1.00) if she was good at school. I told her we'd see.

Honestly, I've been wanting to go for the past few weeks and have been upset at having to stick to my guns by denying her this reward. Glenn knows how to skate but hasn't visited a rink in about 10 years or more. I was quite a good skater when I last roller skated, WELL OVER 20 years ago! My sisters and I went EVERY Saturday night and always had a ton of fun, even if we did come home with blisters and callusouses galore. Tracie would LOVE for me to skate at work, since it would not only help me get better tips, but also would help us get points during our mystery shops. But being so overweight and so out of practice, I'm just not comfortable with skating on SLOPED drive-ways, near MOVING vehicles, and with FOOD & DRINKS on a TRAY!!! Oh, I think NOT!

Today she did SUPER at school, so we decided to go. We got there 20 minutes before they opened which just drove her crazy having to wait any longer. We were first in line, but they were clearly not ready to open at 7:00 pm and that really bugged her. Finally we got in, got skates for me and her (they don't allow her skate/shoes). I thought I was gonna kill myself the first time I stood up. The skates were tight and not very comfortable. I barely made it into the bathroom alone without falling flat on my face. Turns out the skates were just too new and I needed something a bit more broken in. After 3 more changes of skates, I found a pair I could live with.

Lil' Miss, on the other hand was out on the floor as soon as dad finished tying her laces. She didn't wait for us and had NO FEAR. Again, she continued to wobble and stumble and occasionally fall, but never cried or ever really got hurt. THANK GOD! I made it a couple laps around before the arch on my right foot felt like I had stepped on a BIG FAT rusty nail. I kept re-adjusting and taking breaks, but couldn't quite enjoy it as much as I'd wanted. (I bought new work shoes this week, and the first day with them, I hurt my right foot, so I think this contributed to the pain I was feeling.)

We had a table in the snack area, next to the DJ booth and when I saw what was in that little carpeted box, I suddenly felt REALLY FUCKING OLD! I laughed and told Glenn, "DAMN! Are my grey hairs showing enough for you now? They have a computer that plays whatever song they pull up, and they've got a HUGE library of songs to choose from. The last time I was skating at a rollerrink, they were still using VINYL RECORD ALBUMS!!!"

CD's and rollerblades had not yet been invented the last time I roller skated! Did I mention I'll be 36 years OLD next Friday??? ROFLMFAO!

Glenn's "Mistress"

I wrote about my kitty cat Jasmine, here, back in September. I mentioned how she had become very attached to Glenn last summer, that she has been known to "push" me out of bed so she could be closer to him, and more importantly to the point now, how I wish I had pictures of them together.

Well, Folks, I aim to please. AND PROVE MY POINT......there is another female sleeping in our bed who thinks she owns this man I love.

Hmph! Bring it on, bitch!





*NOTE*
These sheets are now history! After nearly 8 years, we finally bought new bedding over the weekend! Several BIG fluffy pillows too! Woo-Hoo! Jake really likes this because he now owns the old comforter! LOL!

FINALLY, It's Two Down......More To Go

Lil' Miss has FINALLY lost her SECOND tooth!

My gawd that tooth took it's sweet time to come out. It's been 5 1/2 months since she lost her first tooth and I thought for sure she'd lose at least 3 more before Halloween. But, NO! Those strong little guys stuck around thru ALL the holidays AND Valentine's Day! Sheesh!

Her top two front teeth are still hanging in there, although they, too, have been wiggly since September. Who knows when they'll decide to let go.

The odd thing here (to me, anyhow) is that while both of her bottom front teeth had been loose for quite some time, it wasn't until her adult teeth broke thru the gums behind the baby teeth, that they finally came out. Is this normal? I'm thinking she's gonna have braces for sure, because the new teeth seem to now be crooked. I'm hoping they straighten out a bit with time.

And for the record, this tooth pulling episode wasn't much easier, as big crocodile tears were shed and Lil' Miss begged us to wait until the morning, even though it was clearly time to come out. I finally got the string around the tooth and pulled hard while she was distracted by dad threatening to use the pliers. She didn't feel a thing and was laughing until she saw the blood pooled in her mouth when she went to check it out. She screamed in terror and began to panic, much to the untimely humor of her dear old daddy. I had to send him away so she would stop crying. (He's won himself another entry into DAD OF THE YEAR awards!) She didn't like the salt water, but when the bleeding stopped, she was happy again and glad it was over.

And so was I, 'cuz she's such a wuss! (Yep, throw another entry in there for me, too, but I speak only the truth people.)

SOS....DD

Same Old Shit....Different Day

Yeah, today was Valentine's Day. Big Effin' deal.

OK, well for me it is, but more for my kiddos than for me. I'd rather do the "I Love You, now let's FUCK" scenario when I damn well please. Not because of some date on the calendar. Valentine's Day seems to be more for people who are dating and trying to score points. Or for men trying to make-up to their wives because they fucked up and "let their dick slip into some place it had no business being."

But for the kids, it's a lot of silly fun. Ranked 4th right after Christmas presents, Halloween candy, and Easter baskets.

I like getting the kids something cute or funny to show them I love them more than anything. And it's fun to watch them get all silly about it too.

But for me, it's like...."Oh, yay, ROSES. Could you be anymore UN-ORIGINAL?" I like flowers, not just roses, to be given to me when I LEAST expect it. NOW that's cool. And the candy thing....don't need it. Jewelry....rarely wear it.

That's not to say I didn't get something from Glenn or give him something in exchange. It's just not what you would consider ROMANTIC. Loving and from the heart?>>>YES.

With that said, I did wake up in the mood for fun loving today and ACTUALLY remembered to wear my "Be Mine" pin, that I've had since High School. ROFLMAO!!!! Now, if only y'all would remember to send CASH next week for my birthday! Thanks.

QUICK! Walk Away And Maybe No One Will Notice!

*Alternate Title: "Why I'm No Longer Allowed To Serve Ice Cream to Hotties"

Four cute guys (aprox. 19-21 years old) pull up at work and get out of their car to sit on the patio.

One buzzes in and orders a regular sized Oreo Blast. (Like the McDonald's McFlurry. Except with REAL ice cream and NOT yogurt!)

I happen to scan the order and walk out and say, "So, which one of you ordered the Oreo Blast?"

Skinny guy #1 speaks up, pays me and takes his frozen treat.

I go back inside. BUZZ! One of the other guys orders a Large Oreo Blast.

"Oh, great," I think, "they're all gonna order one-by-one."

Lucky ol' me happens to scan this one too.

Again, I walk outside, only this time I say, "SO.....Which one of you has the large one?"

They all turn to look at me. Skinny guy #2 speaks up, smirks, pays me, and takes the Blast.

It took EVERY OUNCE of composure I had to NOT crack up laughing. If I had, I would NOT have been able to finish my shift because I would have PEED MY PANTS LAUGHING!!!!

"pretend like nothing happened. pretend like nothing happened. pretend like nothing happened." I kept thinking in my head.

The other two decided NOT to order anything.

Damn Lucky for ME, too!