Raw

It's said that what we don't understand, we fear. This is something I find to be true almost everyday, in one way or another, and surprisingly not just with me. But all I can account for here is ME so that is what I'm gonna talk about. ME.

I have serious self-esteem issues; always have, probably always will. I take way too much personally, even when the rational side of me says it isn't likely. I get upset, angry and emotional over the smallest of gestures or remarks, in both my personal and work environments. This has shown more times than I care to admit here in blogland. It has affected every friendship, every relationship and nearly every job I've ever had. I don't argue very well under pressure, (but can write a kick-ass debate on any issue if given the time to construct it) and I dislike confrontation, contrary to my outwardly "in your face" attitude. I'm a wuss with a big bark.

This week, I let my guard down, and in doing so, allowed myself to feel pain I didn't want to feel. EVER AGAIN. The hurt was so intense, it immobilized me for the better part of two days, both physically and emotionally. I managed to partially bounce back without the use of drugs or alcohol, even though it crossed my mind to numb the pain. I feared I would fall back into a deep depression, and worried about how I would manage to survive this blow to my aching heart.

Most of you know little of my boys or how we came to be so estranged. It's a long painful story, one that took a turn for the worst in 2001 with false accusations, followed the next year by an emergency court order against me, that I was helpless to fight. It was an evil thing to do and was done so with malice against me to get what my ex-husband and his wife wanted: Me out of their lives, and more importantly Me out of the lives of my boys. What they did, was crush my life. I was already on shaky ground emotionally, and that blow nearly ended my life. In some ways, it ended a part of my life that I will never get back.

I was fighting my way back up to being the best employee I could be at work....a nice government job with good pay and good benefits. Things were finally going well after years of trouble and bad decisions. I was finally becoming the parent I wanted to be and stopped being the doormat for people who would never treat me as well as I treated them. I was taking all my medications and improving my health, as well as seeing two therapists and a wonderful primary care doctor, all of whom worked together in my well-being. I was on top of the world for a few wonderful months. After my stay in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts, I was getting the help I needed and more importantly, I was helping myself in ways I never thought I could. I felt I was doing the right things and making good decisions, consistently.

Then came the news that I would not be allowed to visit or even talk to my boys, but no one would/could tell me why. I was confused and shocked and the more I dug into the matter, the worse information I was given. I was angry at the world and decided if I was going to be labeled a bad person without doing the crime, I might as well stop being the goody two shoes and let my hair down. This only furthered my downward spiral and in the end, cost me my health, which cost me my job and almost every friend I had. I was alone and broke. I remember being unable to return to work, and not having enough money to feed Lil' Miss, so we ate LOTS of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and became very reclusive, embarrassed and even more depressed.

And the whole time I was suffering in silence, alone and withdrawn, I was unable to talk to the two guys who I know would have made me feel better.....my boys. Well actually we were at that time talking on the phone each weekend, but with the knowledge that every word was being recorded, we were all cautious as to what we said. They were afraid to say anything to me, for fear of repercussions, since they didn't understand really what had been alleged to take them away from me. I was warned not to say anything negative and told I couldn't discuss the case with them (unless they brought it up first and then only to answer their questions which now of course they were afraid to do), even though that was exactly what needed to be done to clear up the mess. My friends all deserted me. Every single one of them. Even my family had distanced themselves from me.

But somehow, thru all the hurt and anger I managed to pull myself together enough to get back to some semblance of living. I have in many ways, calloused over my true feelings, in an effort to protect myself from greater pain. I play nice, but trust no one, especially when it comes to my boys.

Why I let myself get so excited when I heard they were going to come here this week, is not totally understood by me, although I have a few ideas. I completely let myself be swept up in the idea that I would finally be able to show them I was ok, and I WAS OK. But the phone call I received saying that they would NOT be here, just crippled me. I didn't understand why or how this could happen, and suddenly the fear from years of feeling inadequate in everyone's eyes hit me like a ton of bricks. Had they actually done this to once again hurt me, as others would have me believe? God, I didn't think so, but it felt like a re-run of the past. My fears ate away at me and I just stopped functioning. I've been a zombie for two days and the body pains became so intense I wanted to die today to make it stop and go away.

Then this afternoon, I received another phone call. Once again, it was Wanda. Play nice, see what she wants and don't let her see how hurt you are feeling, I thought to myself. She had called to apologize. She thought about how it must have seemed to me and knew it must be killing me, and she kept saying, that was just wrong. Suzette, that was just wrong, she said over and over. Then she said something that I've waited so very long to hear. Would you like to have the boys this summer? Without hesitation, I said YES, but inside I felt this was another game to hurt me. We talked it over and she said she felt it was time the boys and I had time together, alone. She tried to explain that their only concern ever was for the boys' safety (ie: don't leave them alone) which I totally understood. I still feel if that was all they were concerned with, there was better ways to assure it, rather than filing false allegations against me, but for the time being, I'm going to let that be water under the bridge. My boys will one day know the truth of the allegations against me, and one day they will be able to decide if it was warranted, but not now. Not unless they bring it up.

I'm praying...yes, people, I'm praying, that this isn't going to be another let down in the end, so I am keeping my guard up this time. But with any luck, the boys will be here VERY VERY SOON! And the thought of it makes me cry tears of joy.