Flirting and Online Sex
~sensitive sexual issue. proceed with caution if you're easily offended.~
I like to flirt. I'm not always a great flirt, but I still like to do it. There has never been a single time that I have flirted or anything else** that I haven't been completely open with Glenn about it. I tell him everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Sometimes to a fault, but I do not like lies or hidden truths. And to be fair, Glenn is a very personable guy who can be friends with anyone he talks to without ever really trying. He's somewhat of a flirt himself and I think it's cute.
This was an issue long ago which seems to have resurfaced recently in the way of hidden online chats and online sex.
So here's my questions: Why do people act out online, what they won't be in reality? And then hide it like it wasn't them? What would you do? Is online sex and flirtatious chatting, really cheating? Or does it depend of preset boundaries in your relationship?
**There's more to this story that one day I shall divulge to the masses.
~If you were here earlier you saw a much more detailed post above. Obviously I've edited it down to be less personal and to protect those who can't defend themselves here and who shouldn't have to publicly. Thank you Dale for pointing out my error in judgement. And to anyone who may have read more than I should have posted or who may have been hurt by what I publicly posted, I am VERY SORRY.~
I like to flirt. I'm not always a great flirt, but I still like to do it. There has never been a single time that I have flirted or anything else** that I haven't been completely open with Glenn about it. I tell him everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Sometimes to a fault, but I do not like lies or hidden truths. And to be fair, Glenn is a very personable guy who can be friends with anyone he talks to without ever really trying. He's somewhat of a flirt himself and I think it's cute.
This was an issue long ago which seems to have resurfaced recently in the way of hidden online chats and online sex.
So here's my questions: Why do people act out online, what they won't be in reality? And then hide it like it wasn't them? What would you do? Is online sex and flirtatious chatting, really cheating? Or does it depend of preset boundaries in your relationship?
**There's more to this story that one day I shall divulge to the masses.
~If you were here earlier you saw a much more detailed post above. Obviously I've edited it down to be less personal and to protect those who can't defend themselves here and who shouldn't have to publicly. Thank you Dale for pointing out my error in judgement. And to anyone who may have read more than I should have posted or who may have been hurt by what I publicly posted, I am VERY SORRY.~
posted by Zette at 3:45 AM
3 Comments:
Well, you’ve clustered a whole range of different and difficult issues -- most of them centered around communication problems -- but I’m going to answer the one you actually put a question mark after: Why do people portray themselves differently online? There are lots of different reasons, from escapism to experimentation to fantasy fulfillment, but the underlying motivation is probably just the sheer pleasure (and relief) of doing something without any repercussions. Online, we can do almost anything we want, and then disappear back into the ether -- untraceable, unscathed, a completely private experience that we happened to share with someone equally untraceable and unscathed. Acting out online is like basking in anonymity; it’s doing something you want to do, but something you know you can’t have on your permanent record, so to speak.
It’s funny how difficult it is for us to comprehend the connection between two people who talk online. We’re more likely to share personal information in an e-mail or instant message than we are in person -- especially, oddly enough, if we’re communicating with someone we don’t know. In a way, I think, that’s because we can’t really comprehend that there’s a living, thinking person on the other end. Instead, we understand it just enough to make these e-mails and IM’s meaningful, but the person still feels so foreign and unreal that we don’t feel guarded. It’s like talking to an imaginary friend.
I’m no psychologist, but I’m willing to bet that someone who changes their identity online is doing it because they’re unsatisfied with some aspect of their real-life identity. I remember doing this in my early teens, when I was awkward and geeky but got to go online and be funny and charming. I enjoyed the clean slate. I could start up an IM conversation with some girl my age, pretend she was one of the popular girls in school (even though she was probably just my equivalent in awkwardness and geekdom), and carry on a conversation as if I was the kind of kid I wanted to be -- quick-thinking, confident and interesting. As I matured and shed the awkwardness, the desire to build online relationships with strangers dwindled.
So, what should you do? I guess you should find out what your husband is trying to find online, which he feels he can’t find in real life. I’m not suggesting snooping; I mean, talk about it. If he’s unwilling, I think you have a larger issue -- and that's probably the case. After all, this kind of behavior online is a symptom of a problem, not the problem itself.
Well, i dont know Jason, but he virtually has said everything i would have! I would also add the "distance/anonimity" factor, the fact that you can be anything without the fear of meeting that someone in real life.
Your da bomb Zette, shame Glenn needs a foot up the arse to realise it!
While I agree with much of what Jason said, I take exception to a couple of points he made.
"... something without any repercussions."
There are repercussions, Jason. They may not be readily apparent, but this kind of activity has a negative effect on participants as well as on their innocent (and hurt/confused) spouses.
"...we can do almost anything we want, and then disappear back into the ether -- untraceable, unscathed, a completely private experience that we happened to share with someone equally untraceable and unscathed."
"Unscathed"? I beg to differ, sir. It often leads to feelings of guilt and shame. It sometimes leads to severe and even debilitating addiction.
"It’s doing something you want to do, but something you know you can’t have on your permanent record, so to speak."
Sex without emotion, without Love or respect, without even touch, is pernicious. It jeopardizes real relationships. It breaks hearts. And it leaves permanent scars on the soul.
Cybersex is wrong. Participants know this. If not, why then, do they hide it?
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