My Thoughts About My Life
This is not going to be an easy post. To write or to read, but it's been on my mind for some time and I need to just start banging the keys until I get it out. Please be aware, that while something I read triggered this reaction, it was NOT meant, nor was it taken, as a personal assault upon me, and hence, I wish no ill will to anyone who may read this now. Thanks.
Ok so now that we've got the nice-itys out of the way, let me just say this:
Glenn IS my husband in every sense of the word, whether it has been legal or not. We've talked about getting married....GAWD have we ever talked about getting married! We even went so far as to register and receive a marriage license, but never went through with the actual deal due to events out of our control. It was not something we had planned upon, but life sometimes happens, and we...well more me than him....felt a piece of paper would NOT change how we feel about one another. He calls me his wife more often than he calls me his girlfriend, and vice-a-versa. It's what we feel in our hearts and what we show each other in our actions that mean more than having a fucking marriage certificate. If we really wanted to push the issue, we could say we are common-law married, which Texas does still have, just in a very lax sense. But we don't, and that's our decision and our business, so don't try to tell us why we are wrong. After nearly 8 years together, I can't imagine my life without him, and know he has no desire to be with any other woman on this earth.
Glenn and I have one child together. Her name is Charlayne. She is the most beautiful child in more ways than I ever imagined was possible. She has kept me sane when I wanted to kill myself. She has made me smile when all I could do was cry. She has turned my hair a whiter shade of grey with her fearlessness and numerous trips to the Emergency Room and calls to Poison Control. Char has brought me much joy in her short 6 1/2 years and continues to be my shining star. She is my angel; my baby; my only daughter. Our only child together.
But Char has 2 brothers. They are from my failed marriage. Char adores her brothers and misses them greatly. To her, they are her BROTHERS, not her HALF brothers. Obviously my three kids have two different daddies, but they all came from MY body and all are treated equal. Glenn has NEVER treated my boys like they were "my boys;" he has shown them love and affection and disciplined them as though they were his own kids. When asked how many kids we have, his answer is "3." Chad and Kyle are Char's heroes, and while she has only seen them once in 3+ years, she talks (and argues) with them on a regular basis. She's been brought to tears when she realizes how far away they are and how much she misses them. She doesn't understand divorce and custody or step families. And hopefully she will never have to.
Chad and Kyle, apparently don't live with me. They have lived with their dad and stepmom and stepbrother for 7 1/2 years. This was MY choice, but not one I made easily. I have often regretted my decision to let them live with their dad, but then hindsight is 20/20. Their lives have not been all that bad living with my ex and in many ways they are better off because of it. But there are moments and occurrences that make me shudder that I PUT THEM THERE. I can't undo the past, and I can't control their lives, hard as I wish I could. I've tried being the nice person, the easy going one, the one who is walked all over by both my kids and their other parents.
But this year is going to be different. Actually, last year was different. I put my foot down firmly and said my peace. Whether this has changed me in their eyes has yet to be determined, but I feel better about myself, so it's ok. Not much more can be taken away from me. My ex has made sure the courts are involved and he alone controls this. I can't afford a lawyer to fight him and so I've pussyfooted around his outrageous behavior for many years. But no longer. He can kiss my ass. Yes, he can make sure I don't ever talk to my boys....at least until they are of legal age or run away. He's already made sure I can't see them or visit them, unless on his terms. He can continue to bad mouth me and lie to my boys about me. It won't make the things he says true. Yes, it hurts. Deeply and sharply. But I can't continue to live my life walking on imaginary eggshells he throws out in front of me.
My boys are my boys. I am more than their "biological" mother! I am their MOM, Goddamnit! Nothing will ever change that. But my boys have been living a life outside of MY world, out of my grasp, and away from my influences. These are things I can never get back. All I can do is move forward and try to make MY life the best it can be, and hope that one day, they will have the maturity to handle MY truth, MY world and MY decisions. To worry constantly until then only makes me sicker and less of the person I need to be. For me, for Glenn, for Char and always for them.
Ok so now that we've got the nice-itys out of the way, let me just say this:
Glenn IS my husband in every sense of the word, whether it has been legal or not. We've talked about getting married....GAWD have we ever talked about getting married! We even went so far as to register and receive a marriage license, but never went through with the actual deal due to events out of our control. It was not something we had planned upon, but life sometimes happens, and we...well more me than him....felt a piece of paper would NOT change how we feel about one another. He calls me his wife more often than he calls me his girlfriend, and vice-a-versa. It's what we feel in our hearts and what we show each other in our actions that mean more than having a fucking marriage certificate. If we really wanted to push the issue, we could say we are common-law married, which Texas does still have, just in a very lax sense. But we don't, and that's our decision and our business, so don't try to tell us why we are wrong. After nearly 8 years together, I can't imagine my life without him, and know he has no desire to be with any other woman on this earth.
Glenn and I have one child together. Her name is Charlayne. She is the most beautiful child in more ways than I ever imagined was possible. She has kept me sane when I wanted to kill myself. She has made me smile when all I could do was cry. She has turned my hair a whiter shade of grey with her fearlessness and numerous trips to the Emergency Room and calls to Poison Control. Char has brought me much joy in her short 6 1/2 years and continues to be my shining star. She is my angel; my baby; my only daughter. Our only child together.
But Char has 2 brothers. They are from my failed marriage. Char adores her brothers and misses them greatly. To her, they are her BROTHERS, not her HALF brothers. Obviously my three kids have two different daddies, but they all came from MY body and all are treated equal. Glenn has NEVER treated my boys like they were "my boys;" he has shown them love and affection and disciplined them as though they were his own kids. When asked how many kids we have, his answer is "3." Chad and Kyle are Char's heroes, and while she has only seen them once in 3+ years, she talks (and argues) with them on a regular basis. She's been brought to tears when she realizes how far away they are and how much she misses them. She doesn't understand divorce and custody or step families. And hopefully she will never have to.
Chad and Kyle, apparently don't live with me. They have lived with their dad and stepmom and stepbrother for 7 1/2 years. This was MY choice, but not one I made easily. I have often regretted my decision to let them live with their dad, but then hindsight is 20/20. Their lives have not been all that bad living with my ex and in many ways they are better off because of it. But there are moments and occurrences that make me shudder that I PUT THEM THERE. I can't undo the past, and I can't control their lives, hard as I wish I could. I've tried being the nice person, the easy going one, the one who is walked all over by both my kids and their other parents.
But this year is going to be different. Actually, last year was different. I put my foot down firmly and said my peace. Whether this has changed me in their eyes has yet to be determined, but I feel better about myself, so it's ok. Not much more can be taken away from me. My ex has made sure the courts are involved and he alone controls this. I can't afford a lawyer to fight him and so I've pussyfooted around his outrageous behavior for many years. But no longer. He can kiss my ass. Yes, he can make sure I don't ever talk to my boys....at least until they are of legal age or run away. He's already made sure I can't see them or visit them, unless on his terms. He can continue to bad mouth me and lie to my boys about me. It won't make the things he says true. Yes, it hurts. Deeply and sharply. But I can't continue to live my life walking on imaginary eggshells he throws out in front of me.
My boys are my boys. I am more than their "biological" mother! I am their MOM, Goddamnit! Nothing will ever change that. But my boys have been living a life outside of MY world, out of my grasp, and away from my influences. These are things I can never get back. All I can do is move forward and try to make MY life the best it can be, and hope that one day, they will have the maturity to handle MY truth, MY world and MY decisions. To worry constantly until then only makes me sicker and less of the person I need to be. For me, for Glenn, for Char and always for them.
posted by Zette at 3:30 AM
3 Comments:
That's probably one of the most poignant posts I have ever read. You are so right in all that you say and a very courageous lady. I wish you luck and happiness in your future :o)
My goodness what a clever woman you are. Your boys will eventually be of age and the things their father tells them will soon be thrown out the window in realisation that most was crap. The boot will then be on the foot and more fool him. No woman gives up her kids unless she feels it necessary,something you must have felt back then. A number of years on, your way stronger and happier and are now able to feel in control of your life so of course you are now regretting your then decsion. Look how far you've come.........wonderful!!
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