Only Time
How is it possible to be both worn out and revved up at the same time?
By the same thing, none the less?
I got an interesting voice message from my ex yesterday. Yet when I called him back, he put my youngest son on the phone and told him he'd talk to me "later". Today was later. Now obviously my hands were sweating and my blood pressure was racing, because usually when he wants to "talk", I end up in knots and tears; a mess for days on end. I never know what to expect.
What did I do NOW? Could this have anything to do with his wife being in Mississippi alone for the first time EVER? What did trouble did my boys get into this time? Who died?
I used to love talking to my ex for hours at a time. It was one of the biggest assets in our marriage when we were newly married. And even though our divorce wasn't all roses, I still liked talking to him after he was re-married. Afterall, he had been my closet friend for so long and I felt blind trust in him.
But life changes and so did we. I had found a new love to talk to and share my thoughts with. And with time, my conversations with my ex became more and more "resented" by his new wife. How could I make her undestand I didn't want him anymore and that too much had happened for me to EVER want him again? Now that's not to say I don't still wonder about what life would be like if we had not gone thru the big "D" and how much I still love the man he USED to be. Or should I say, the man I thought he was. But who he's become now, is a man I trust no further than I can throw him; a man who still makes me nervous and anxious, but never in a good way anymore.
I find his "Jeckyll and Hyde mixed with Godfather" demeanor to be very unnerving. Much like the father he claims raised him. Yet, he doesn't see himself as that. He thinks he is all about integrity, honesty, dignity and loyalty, but actions speak louder than words. Ya know?
So we spent well over an hour just talking today. And somewhere I found the strength to say things I've held inside for way too long, to not cower to his overpowering attitude towards me and I managed to only cry once, but not because of anything he said. It felt GREAT! We were both calm and open to saying what needed to be said without saying everything we wanted, knowing it would just start a fight and end up accomplishing nothing. We talked about the boys. We talked about work and everyone's health. We talked about our sex life...or lack thereof....at the end of our marriage. And he was shocked to hear that my boyfriend was standing right beside me as all of this was said. ("I hide NOTHING from Glenn," I told him.)
This conversation was long overdue, and went pretty well, in my opinion, but I wonder what changes will now come because of it? Will he change his tune once his wife is back in town?
Only time will tell. Only time.
By the same thing, none the less?
I got an interesting voice message from my ex yesterday. Yet when I called him back, he put my youngest son on the phone and told him he'd talk to me "later". Today was later. Now obviously my hands were sweating and my blood pressure was racing, because usually when he wants to "talk", I end up in knots and tears; a mess for days on end. I never know what to expect.
What did I do NOW? Could this have anything to do with his wife being in Mississippi alone for the first time EVER? What did trouble did my boys get into this time? Who died?
I used to love talking to my ex for hours at a time. It was one of the biggest assets in our marriage when we were newly married. And even though our divorce wasn't all roses, I still liked talking to him after he was re-married. Afterall, he had been my closet friend for so long and I felt blind trust in him.
But life changes and so did we. I had found a new love to talk to and share my thoughts with. And with time, my conversations with my ex became more and more "resented" by his new wife. How could I make her undestand I didn't want him anymore and that too much had happened for me to EVER want him again? Now that's not to say I don't still wonder about what life would be like if we had not gone thru the big "D" and how much I still love the man he USED to be. Or should I say, the man I thought he was. But who he's become now, is a man I trust no further than I can throw him; a man who still makes me nervous and anxious, but never in a good way anymore.
I find his "Jeckyll and Hyde mixed with Godfather" demeanor to be very unnerving. Much like the father he claims raised him. Yet, he doesn't see himself as that. He thinks he is all about integrity, honesty, dignity and loyalty, but actions speak louder than words. Ya know?
So we spent well over an hour just talking today. And somewhere I found the strength to say things I've held inside for way too long, to not cower to his overpowering attitude towards me and I managed to only cry once, but not because of anything he said. It felt GREAT! We were both calm and open to saying what needed to be said without saying everything we wanted, knowing it would just start a fight and end up accomplishing nothing. We talked about the boys. We talked about work and everyone's health. We talked about our sex life...or lack thereof....at the end of our marriage. And he was shocked to hear that my boyfriend was standing right beside me as all of this was said. ("I hide NOTHING from Glenn," I told him.)
This conversation was long overdue, and went pretty well, in my opinion, but I wonder what changes will now come because of it? Will he change his tune once his wife is back in town?
Only time will tell. Only time.
posted by Zette at 9:04 PM
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